


Corrupted Mind

by computergodbaby



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), avengers endgame - Fandom
Genre: Angst, Bucky Barnes Needs a Hug, Bucky Barnes Remembers, Fix-It, Fluff, Forehead Kisses, Hurt/Comfort, James "Bucky" Barnes - Freeform, M/M, Past Torture, Post-Avengers: Endgame (Movie), Post-Endgame, Protective Steve Rogers, Short & Sweet, fuck what joe russo said, steve rogers - Freeform, tony and sam are mentioned
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-20
Updated: 2019-05-20
Packaged: 2020-03-08 07:31:57
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 890
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18890032
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/computergodbaby/pseuds/computergodbaby
Summary: Corrupted mind. Damaged. Dangerous person. Unstable. Doesn't deserve to be free.





	Corrupted Mind

**Author's Note:**

> hey, I'm Jess and this is my first public fic I'm posting. Please let me know what you think! Also, Steve and Bucky can be platonic, bortherly, or romantic in this lol interpret how you'd like. This is a bit of a fix-it, I set it post-Endgame and don't agree with what Joe Russo said about Bucky's mind being corrupted. I love Bucky so much I needed to write this. It's really short, but it's also based off fan-art I saw on twitter and I wrote this one day in my dorm in the middle of finals week and moving and packing my dorm up lol. Like I literally edited this when I had to be up at 6AM to take a chemistry then biology final. Enjoy, though!

_Damaged._

 

Bucky paced around his threadbare apartment, his pace quickening. Today had been a particularly bad day, and Bucky couldn’t figure out why. Maybe it was the mission he went on with Sam and Steve. Maybe it was the fact that he was still going on missions, it had just been a few weeks since the Avengers compound was destroyed and they faced many losses.

 

He was gonna for five years. Lost in the soul realm.

 

Still in stealth suit, he works his thigh holster off, rips his shoulder and chest buckles off frantically, throwing his weapons away from him. Knives and guns are stripped off his person. They land with loud thuds. His muscles tense.

 

_Corrupted mind._

 

His grip around his shoulder lengthened hair tightened, and he tugged a little. He took a sharp breath in. All he ever did was fight to help others. After years, he isn’t back to normal quite yet. That’s what war and brainwashing does, he guesses.

 

_Dangerous person._

 

He can’t feel his right hand, it’s tingling. His feet feel light. His chest rises quickly, in a shallow rapid breathing pattern. His left metal hand is in closed in a fist.

 

He used to consider his left metal arm a nuisance. A weapon. A part of him he didn’t want. He hated his metal arm. He hated the gray metal. He hated the Hydra logo on it. He wanted to rip it off most days.

 

At least his metal arm is new now. Not by Hydra.

 

Is there any real catalyst to the reason behind this panic attack? He couldn’t identify any specific sound, smell, or touch that incited this bone deep _ache_. Truly, now, he can never identify this nearly instinctual fear.

 

_Unstable._

 

He slides down against the wall of his apartment, covering his face in his hands. He plummets to the ground, huddling. He rocks himself back and forth.

 

He doesn’t feel the same ever since coming back from the supposed soul realm. He doesn’t feel grounded anymore. It’s as if his molecules and atoms haven’t fully found their way back to him, they’re roaming where they aren’t supposed to. Parts of him are dispersed, and he desperately wants to feel whole again.

 

_Doesn’t deserve to be free._

 

Bucky falls onto his side, curled into his side. He sobs violently, feeling pathetic.

 

He shakily breathes in, whimpering. He’s never sobbed like this. He doesn’t want to be like this, but his violence from Hydra is so deeply rooted in his veins, maybe it won’t ever be removed. Or that’s what people seem to think.

 

He hasn’t cried in a long time. The last time he remembered crying, it ended with him being punished and being rewritten and brainwashed. He barely has any memories or recollections of who he was before the train fall.

 

_Pathetic._ Bucky is a Soldier. The Asset. The Winter Soldier. Although his trigger words were removed, it is a 70 years of life he will never get back. He can see every victim. He doesn't deserve to be in this apartment, doesn’t deserve to be out of war that he was drafted and fought for peace. It was as if the air in the room weighed down heavier on him than it did anyone else.

 

Winter is the worst. He hates the cold. His nightmares increased, getting worse and more frequent. He’d been doing okay, adjusting back to life at _home._ Is this really home?

 

He feels like he lost everyone. He hasn’t made amends with Tony. Steve and Sam are in mourning and Bucky can’t bother them with _his_ problems. He can’t be selfish.

 

He just wants to be himself again. Not a corpse that feels like murderous machine.

 

“Bucky?”

 

Bucky can hardly hear over his crying.

 

He felt a warm, and surprisingly gentle hand on his shoulder.

 

He felt himself being pulled up into a seated position from the corner of his apartment, and he refused to remove his hands from covering his face.

 

The vulnerability seeps into his mind again, and he feels as if he’s broken. His chest swells with horrible emotions. His stomach feels like a violent hurricane of anxiety. He sobs and his fingers curl up in his hair. His skin feels too tight.

 

Steve sits behind Bucky, wrapping on leg around him and one leg is sprawled out beside him. He wraps his arms around Bucky, firm yet gentle. Bucky brings his knees up to his chest, curling up into a ball with one leg leaning against Steve’s abdomen. Steve pulls Bucky close to him.

 

“Hey,” Steve softly says. “I’m here, Buck.”

 

Steve presses his face into Bucky’s hair. He rubs Bucky’s arm, feeling his body trembling minutely as he cries. He doesn’t make any sounds of crying, but his shoulders shake and he gasps for air.

 

Steve wipes tears off of Bucky’s face, then desperately pulls him back into a hug. Steve desperately wants his anguish to disappear.

 

Steve holds onto Bucky even tighter, cuddling him gently, but firm. Bucky feels kisses pressed to the top of his hair.

 

“I’m not leaving you.”

 

Bucky feels as if his body is solidified again. It’s as if part of him had still been floating in the soul realm, away from him, and finally, all of his molecules and atoms are back to him.


End file.
